Stand by your man?

Needless to say the conversations about Eliot Spitzer’s demise has been the first topic of conversation wherever you go today.  One of the most interesting discussions have been among women with the question being, would you stand by your man?

Silda looks as if she was completely blind sided by the events of the past few days.  Here are a few snippets of what people said to me which I will just toss out there.  "I am not sure I’d stand up there, maybe she is so completely numb that she is doing just what anybody is telling her to do, maybe standing by your man right now keeps the family less exposed, i think you have to stand by your man, forgive them and move on, what does standing by her man mean to her daughters, does the media or society today expect a woman to stand by their man, maybe she never gave him sex and he felt he had to go somewhere else go get it, maybe she knew all along and he just finally got caught, maybe when you have all the handlers telling you what to do, you just do it, someone I know works with white collar substance abusers and said that when women drink, men leave but when men drink, women stay…what does that mean, are women just maternal so they stay".  All interesting conversations some I can see where others I can’t.

It does all create food for thought.  Nobody knows for sure what went on in their household behind closed doors.  The Spitzers seemed to have a loving partnership and a really nice family life.  So, what would I do?  I am not sure anybody really knows what they would do unless they are in the exact position as Silda is today.  Here is a man she had been married to for probably 25 years.  In one day her entire trust in him has been shattered not only privately but in a very public way.  Can you make a decision in a split second to stay or go?  Would I pack up my kids and let him hang out to dry on the public?  That would basically mean that it is over, forever.  That might be what I want, but for the kids, I think I would probably stand up there to support Daddy publicly.  After all, you are a political person in a very public arena, enough bad has happened to the family and leaving him up on the podium to dry might even be more difficult for the children.  Let the dust settle publicly, as it already has as of today, and then make decisions on what next.  No matter how much I might have gone from love to hate in a split second, my husband (ex or otherwise) will always be the father of my children.  Creating a rift between them and him is not in anyone’s interest.  The kids will be distraught as it is and it will be up to him to rebuild the relationship that they will now have.  I wouldn’t want to be the one bad mouthing him to the children, they are more than able to form their own decisions. 

All very complicated , it is far from black and white.  It is one thing to walk out on your husband privately, another in a public forum.  I give Silda a huge amount of credit for standing up their on the podium with her husband.  Time will tell what decisions she makes for her future and her childrens but I am not sure you can do anything after 25 years but step back and be very methodical.  After all, her husband certainly hadn’t been thinking with his head.  Believe me, I’d leave but it would be so incredibly painful that I am not sure I would be willing to not stand by my man, for my children, at least for the moment. 

Comments (Archived):

  1. Danny

    Does it matter that this was not a 1 time tryst? Allegedly it was over 10 years and $80k spent on other women. But you are right, you don’t know until you are in that situation and thrust in the spotlight.
    BTW, just recently found your blog. Great stuff.

  2. jandazza

    To really put myself in her shoes? I’d probably stand by him publicly. This is going to screw the kids up enough as it is; to add the “mom hates dad” nettle to the mix would only make things tougher on the kids.

    No matter what, once you have kids you have to respect the union you have so some degree (unless, of course, you are dealing with a person who could bring harm to your kids).

    Yes, your father is a duplicitous, deceptive, philandering, hypocritical doucebag, but that’s something the kids need to find out on their own terms… and they will.

  3. Dan Buell

    Hmmm… I disagree that women stay and men leave; seems like gross stereotyping to me. The reality is I’ve read a lot of infidelity studies over the last couple of years that would suggest the opposite…

  4. C. Bancroft

    Everyone assumes that she had no idea what was going on. The opposite is probably true. People in relationships often make arrangements. She is likely blindsighted, but by the press, not by her husband.

  5. Jesse Petersen

    Hey Gotham Gal,

    I’ve been reading Fred’s blog for over a year now and saw him on the Download show last week.

    I decided it was time I came back this morning and saw a link to your blog.

    For my $0.02 on the Spitzer situation, I am all for the sanctity of marriage and the forever bond that it is meant to be. However, in cases such as infidelity and abuse, there are risks and distrust issues that are probably so deep in the core of the relationship that the parties either need to separate or get serious clinical therapy to get through it.

    Would I expect my wife to leave me in this case? Yes. Would I want her to? Heck no! I’d fight for her, and I can tell you that the way I would start is to let her stay home from those blasted news conferences. For shame! She had nothing to do with his actions and should not be included in all his press photos.

    Let’s not forget that “Kristen” is only a couple of years older than his oldest daughter. I’ll bet that’s making everyone feel just a little dirty at home when they’re showering.


  6. ventureblogalist

    also understandable because she apparently had a great career and put all her talent into his career. m obama is the exact opposite of the recent trend of required dutiful and docile wife.